2017 was the year fishmen suddenly became sexy. Not just among the weeaboo anime-tentacle-monster crowd, but among mainstream audiences too. It started with rule 34 star Prince Sidon from The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild last March but really caught fire when the first trailer for The Shape of Water – the movie everybody on Twitter claimed to invent the phrase “Grinding Nemo” for – debuted online. Don’t know how, don’t know why, but last year ended on a weird note with women across the internet fantasizing about a scaly, salinated South American sea creature that wooed Sally Hawkins out of her clothes and into a sex scene that guaranteed she lost the deposit on her apartment.
Women got hot and heavy over these guys like Troy McClure at an aquarium, prompting articles like this, this, and this. The dildo inspired by Guillermo Del Toro’s creature straight up sold out over Oscar weekend. I guess after a year of learning every man on the planet is a sex monster, a sea monster suddenly didn’t look so bad. Women took one look at Doug Jones’ creepily spread out eyes and decided they, like Kanye, love fish sticks.
You know what ladies? Go ahead. Enjoy your fishmen with their fibroelastic penises and their all-egg-and-cat-head diet. I’m sure that will make for some lovely morning breath. Go ahead and run off into the ocean with your creatures from the lame lagoon because I also learned something from the movies in 2017: we don’t need you anymore. Between Kofi Siriboe with two grapefruits in Girls Trip and Timothée Chalamet going to town on that peach in Call Me By Your Name, it seems to me men can just get by just fine with a nice ripe piece of fruit.
So while you’re still thinking of how fun it would be to have an overgrown Murloch go down on you while signing fewer words than Koko, I’ve compiled this list of the absolute best video game fruit to fuck.